Oh, THAT'S Why I am an Only Child.

Cover via Amazon

When my husband and I first starting talking about marriage and children, we were so on the same page.  We both wanted four kids, hopefully at least one boy and one girl.  We daydreamed about our future together and the wonderful family we would have. 

BACKSTORY

Blake is the oldest child in his family.  He has one younger, wonderful sister that we get along with just fine.  When they were kids they fought like siblings are reasonably supposed to, but they were friends.

I am an only child.  According to Dr. Kevin Leman, author of The Birth Order Book, I am "the lonely only, super firstborn".  I was the only kid my mom had to worry about. This also means I have ZERO experience with sibling rivalry and fights.

My husband and I make a very interesting, and sometimes intense, team.  Blake and I saw Dr. Leman speak at a love seminar at our church a few years back.  He was talking about the value of understanding birth order and its involvement in relationships.  At one point, he asked the crowd if there were any couples in the room that were both firstborns.  We were one of the only couples to raise our hands.  He looked at us and asked, "Do you guys wear football helmets to the breakfast table?" We laughed, but it's true that our household can be very direct and ambitious, and always striving for something better (I won't say perfect, but...)

Today, we have three kids: two daughters and one son.  The reason we stopped at three children and steered away from our dream of having four is because we realized we could only take three times the crazy in our home.  Kudos to those of you with more!  You possess a Godly gift Blake and I weren't blessed with. 

Bring on the first kid!  Swaylynn is nine.  She is stepping into a blended family as my firstborn child and Blake's stepdaughter.  Sway has all the characteristics of a firstborn child too.  (Sweet, there's three of us in the house!)  She reads deep into the night, will NOT be rushed when she's cleaning her room, and cries if the color palette she mixed isn't the right shade of cerulean. She gets along with the younger siblings this far.... and then she's had enough of their nonsense.  I don't blame her.  I wouldn't want a three year old tearing up my Star Wars Lego creations either.  Or a baby chewing on my artwork. 

Okay, here's the middle kid.  Hailley is three, and possesses all the traits of a firstborn.  (OMG...4??? Pray that she mellows out for us!)  She is very bright, and she will tell you so.  I've never encountered any individual who is so confident in herself the way our daughter is.  She becomes upset when she messes up coloring between the lines, and she prides herself on dressing alone and matching her underwear with her shoes.  Hailley loves Sway beyond the normal boundaries of sibling love.  This means she drives her older sister NUTS.  Ironically enough, the way Swaylynn feels about her is the same way Hailley feels about Maximus.  The patience rope is short here, people. 

Last comes the boy, roaring into our lives.  Here is where Blake and I realized, NO MORE.  Again, a shout out to the moms and dads with more than one boy in your home!  Maximus is almost two, and pushing the very limits of his age bracket.  Walking by ten months, running by twelve.  Mastered climbing by 15 months and giving my husband and I constant mini heart attacks by 15 1/2 months.  He acts like the youngest and lives to torture his older sisters.  I placed his car seat in the middle of my Ford Fusion's backseat a few months ago.  I thought, "Genius! He will break up the girls' fights."  Yeah, right, Rachel.  He had both of them wailing on every drive! "Mom!! He took my book!"  "Mom! Maximus bit me!!"

Now that you have a bit of our background, allow me to set the stage.  We are all together.  We are eating dinner.  Blake is always at the head of the table.  I sit to his right, with Swaylynn to his left.  Hailley sits next to me in her little booster seat, and Maximus sits next to Swaylynn in his little booster seat.  You're thinking, "Aww... what a sweet family.." Stop.  Save it for the Brady Bunch reruns later.

SCENE 6: DINNER AT THE VOGELS

(CENTER STAGE)

Blake: Swaylynn, is this the first time you have ever eaten corn? Use your fork, please. 

Swaylynn: Hailley! Stop looking at me!

Hailley: Mom, Swaylynn told me to stop looking at her.

Me: Guys, mind your own business and eat your food please. 

Maximus: EAT!
(He now gets out of his chair and goes to the sliding door to let the dog in.)

Blake: Maximus, get back in your seat.  Maximus, sit down.  MAXIMUS! SIT DOWN!

Swaylynn: Maximus! Get back in your chair!

Me: Swaylynn! Are you Maximus's mom?

Swaylynn: No.

Me: Then please let Blake and I do the parenting. 

Hailley: Mom, Swaylynn is telling Maximus what to do...

Me: Hailley! Stop tattling!

Blake: Hailley! No one likes a tattle tale.

Me: Blake! One parent at a time, right?
(Previously agreed household rule)

Blake: Yeah, you're right.  Sorry, sweetheart.

Swaylynn: Mom, Maximus is throwing his food on the floor, and Capone is eating it.

Me: Maximus! Don't feed the dog!

Maximus: PONE!
(This is how he calls our dog, Capone.)

Blake: Capone! Out!
(The dog exits to the side of the table furthest away from Blake)

Maximus: PONE! OUT!
(He always speaks at top volume.)

Hailley: Mom, he's still doing it...

Blake: HAILLEY! What did we just tell you about tattling?

Me: Can't we just have ONE MEAL without all this nonsense???

(BLACKOUT- EXIT SCENE)

 

 

And now I know why I am an only child.  Mom, you're a genius.  

Moms Are Just Like Everybody Else, See?

A mother's alarm clock: a baby crying in his crib. 

A mother's breakfast: whatever the kids didn't eat, right off their plates. Oh, and lots of coffee.

A mother's morning workout: mopping the kitchen floor after milk breaks free from bowls of cereal and runs rampant across the floor.  For an extra boost: she chases her toddler around the house trying to retrieve her cell phone.

A mother's shower time: running one brush through her hair, and another one over her teeth.

A mother's morning psychology practice: hostile negotiations between her 3 year old and the dog. (Most psychologists don't have to cuddle with their patients afterwards though.)

A mother's lunch: one slice of pizza that her youngest already ate the toppings from. Also, possibly more coffee.

A mother's downtime: sleeping face first in a pile of clean laundry while the children nap.

A mother's daily intelligent conversation: "Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  MOM.  MOM.  MOM.  MOM! MOM! MOM!"  "What?!?!?" "I love you."

A mother's paycheck: any loose change she finds floating around in the washer.

A mother's cleaning routine: she doesn't want to talk about that right now.  But if you are lending an ear... She JUST picked up the living room!  She swears!  It just doesn't look like it because she lives with savages. 

A mother's bills: she doesn't want to talk about that, either.

A mother's dinner: finally, a real meal.  It might be slightly cold because she is the last one to eat, but that's okay.

A mother's rescheduled shower time: getting thoroughly soaked by the baby splashing in the tub.

A mother's nightly novel: Whales' Tails and Turtle Trails by  Tammy Lee. 

A mother's bed time: blankets that actually cover her whole body and one half page of a novel from the adult section at the library.  She would love... to read... more... but...

My Little Lawyer

Okay, not sure when our three year old daughter Hailley started studying law.  Who is explaining the ins and outs of the American justice system to this kid? My husband and I briefly mentioned the importance of wearing seat belts in the car; I told Hailley it was the law that she had to be in her seat, buckled in, when she was complaining about her belt straps.  Other than that though... no idea.  Maybe she's catching 24 reruns on the sly? I hope not!

Hailley has taken it upon herself to inform me about "the law".  Let me tell you, if her law was the REAL law, move over Hitler!  I'd hate to be under her regime.

We put little dress panties over her underwear, underneath her dress.  Here's Hailley's thoughts on the matter: "We put these over my underwear because its the law, Mom."

We are in a bathroom, again.  "We wipe our butts and flush the toilet because its the LAW, Mom."  I wouldn't really argue against that one. 

We are wrestling Hailley into her pajamas at bedtime: "We go to bed because its the law, Mom." 

She does it the same every time!  The same matter-of-fact tone, the same serious little face, the same sentence structure.  She is SO right, too.  You try arguing with that sometime.   In Hailley's world, everything has a law attached to it. 

I tried to explain the difference between household rules and laws, morals and laws, and the difference between just acting like a lady and the law.  I literally watched her little mind shut down before I could finish.  Hailley was NOT having that conversation with me.  She already knows the law! Why would silly old Mom possess any new, useful information for her?

 Hopefully this obsession will lead her in a good direction.  Hailley, you will have my back when I forget to pay a parking ticket, right?

We Went to the Beach

Oh yeah.  I finally made it to the beach this summer!  What a wonderful day.  Of course, in order for me and my family to function at any event, we have to bring in the playpens, corrals, diaper bags, proper clothing, food, sippy cups, etc.  Add beach toys, towels, lawn chairs and a wagon to beach day. 

My mom and our family friend beat me there (that's no surprise, they have a lot less gear!) and had a beautiful spot picked out.  I arrived by the picnic table with our wagon loaded up like we were pioneer settlers truckin' out west.  Behind me toddled Maximus, our little ray of sunshine, and Hailley, who whimpered and whined all the way from the parking lot down the long hill to our spot. Leave it to a 3 year old to be upset about being out by a lake in the sunshine. Swaylynn, our 9 year old, had already beat us to the water. 

After a few threats: "I can find a corner anywhere for you to stand in, Hailley," we made ourselves at home and enjoyed our day.  The kids were all great.  They didn't fight once!  We spent hours there playing in the water (Swaylynn put seaweed on Hailley's head), exploring nature (Sway found a baby dragonfly- it was so cool!) and building towers in the sand.  Maximus was furious because I put his corral, with him in it, right down on the sand by the water.  I may have gotten a few looks from the other parents there, but hey, that boy thinks he can swim (he can't!) and I needed my heart to stop pounding after 20 minutes of chasing him around in the shallow water. 

We ended our day with a long walk by the lake.  I can't begin to express how fantastic the scenery was!  God is good.  :)

On the way home I put on Neil Diamond's best hits, my secret weapon.  The kids barely made it out of the state park before they were passed out- their sandy faces slouched against their car seats. Oh yeah.

Yup. I'm Nuts.

We bought a puppy last month.  For those of you who are thinking, "Awwwww", put your puppy dog faces away and evaluate my thoughts here. 

My husband and I have three kids.  Ages: 9, 3 and 1.  The reason we have three is because WE DON'T WANT FOUR.  We brag about how bright we were to have Blake get a vasectomy two weeks after Maximus was born and we lean eagerly into our futures that are diaper-free.  So what do we do? We run out and get a dog. 

Don't get me wrong, he's super cute.  His name is Don Capone (after my grandpa and our current love of mafia film) and he's a pure bred boxer.  He sleeps in the kids' little chairs and chases his stub-tail and rolls around in the backyard barking at his squeaky toy.  My heart has melted again.

However...

It's officially a circus around here.  I thought it was before, but now it's definitely a circus.  Swing by around noon today for the nap act- you will be rolling around on our kitchen floor.  Admission: no money accepted.  You just stay in our house and I will sneak out the back door.  I will go to the beach by myself.  I will lay on the sand, catching rays and reading.  I might bring a bag of chips along.  I won't share with anybody, either. 

The kids chase the dog who chases them and bites their butts.  Suddenly I'm consoling Hailley, my three year old, for the scratch on her leg and yelling at Maximus, the infant, at the same time because he has wrestled Capone into a position I didn't think puppies were capable of.  Together they all destroy crayons in the kitchen.  Then there's Swaylynn, my nine year old, who plays with Capone for awhile and then complains that he doesn't like her anymore.  Sway- you just chased the puppy around the yard for an hour.  He is so wore out!  Give the poor guy a break.

Capone ruined the plants in our backyard.  He dug a hole there too.  He ate my Money magazine last night.  The first week we got him, he choked on a dandelion. (No worries, he was fine.  It was pretty hilarious, really.)  Capone has been caught standing on our living room table and the one in our backyard. As far as potty training... its been interesting.  Thanks to my son, I've held Capone's poop in my hand. 

Let me be cliché for one moment though: he completes us.  It's totally crazy around here, and he adds to the element of insanity that already stains our lives, but it works.  I love Capone.  He's family.  Even if he did eat half of my birthday pizza. 

Well I guess that's better than crying...

Hailley did it again.  She locked herself in the downstairs bathroom.  We've been through this before, so to my ignorance, I assumed my 3-year old would remember the drama of the past and learn from her mistakes.  Silly Mommy, as Hailley would say.

I tried to explain the mechanics of the door lock to her through the door.  Result: hysterical "I CANT!" over and over.  Nope, not going to work.

I tried to unscrew the door handle off the door (mind you, with a flat-head screwdriver that I KNOW didn't work well with the Phillips head screws in the door handle, but it's ALL I HAD DAMMIT!)  I found myself cursing the very same lock I once so loved; the one lock that allowed me to escape my family every now and again.  Result: The handle got very loose. It could not be removed that way.

I tried to explain to Hailley again about the door lock.  This time I increased the volume of my voice.  (Us parents don't really want to use the term yelling, but yeah, there it is.)  Result: total meltdown inside the bathroom.  Nope, still not effective. 

I tried to simply ignore her and continue my exam studying.  My reasoning: Blake will be home soon, he's the one that fixes this problem.  I also thought she might just figure it out on her own.  Result: after 1 minute of that, total guilt.  What the hell was I thinking?? I can't just leave her in there!

So I went outside the house to the bathroom window.  As I tried to push the window up from the outside, I started laughing.  I was cracking up outside my house in broad daylight while I was talking to the window.  Whatever will the neighbors think? Finally, in-between hysterical giggles, I managed to get the window open. I bribed my daughter with gum if she would try unlocking the door again with me pointing out instructions.  I might have lost some weight recently, but squeezing through that smaller than normal window space was not an option I was willing to exercise.  Hailley quickly unlocked the door and announced she knew that was how it was done.  Awesome, kid.  Thanks.

Final Result: A smile on my daughter's face as she chewed her gum, a smile on my face (possibly complete loss of sanity, but who cares at this point) and a good story to tell. 

COME ON SPRING!

Can't...take it...another...minute...

Must...escape...prison...(my house)....must have fresh air! Must stop cycle of cleaning, eating, sleeping, cleaning, eating, sleeping!

Wait a second...have to take kids with me...snowpants, hats, mittens, boots, diaper bag, Dora doll, purse, snacks, sippy cups...

Nevermind...